News Report

This just in: it seems that during the Second World War, many people were killed. Next, in more depressing matters, people that live in the South Arctic Sea, are experiencing severe dolphin attacks. These attacks are random and seem completely unpredictable. The question on everyone’s mind is, “Who is controlling these dolphins?”

A local giraffe was dubbed ‘Sir Giraffe’ earlier today. The reasoning behind this strange coronation is that during a local gathering of kids and their entrails, a small boy, whose name is Greg, was running wildly along a crocodile-infested river. One particular crocodile name Kevin, hadn’t been fed for the past week, and saw an opportunity for lunch. Sir Giraffe foresaw the event and kicked the kid 50 feet out of the way of the crocodile’s jaws. The Giraffe had saved a kid’s life, but now the parents are going to sue Sir Giraffe for assault on their son, and for making him land in a pile of fish.

BREAKING NEWS: The perpetrator of the Dolphin Attacks has been found. He was hiding in a house-boat of the northern coast of India. He was spotted drinking some cat urine and drawing plans for his next attack. A government official tackled him to the ground causing him to spill his glass of feline pee into the nearby water. He is being taken to the Utah County jail as we speak. More news after the investigation.